The Painful Punch of the “Survival Brag”

The only version of bladder cancer that I know well is the worst one. The one that kills. The one that made me a widow at age 45. The one that gave my husband much pain and suffering with little relief along the way.

Just wanted to be clear about that upfront.

The long, hard road was made harder

My first husband deteriorated quickly from bladder cancer as well as from treatment side effects. It was 11 months from his metastatic diagnosis to his death. Along the way, I talked with many other patients and caregivers online.

I often received advice about certain foods or certain music or praying in certain ways. I know the advice-givers were well-intended. But their advice often came with a story of someone being cured by those methods.

I don’t doubt the sincerity of their stories. But what frustrated me was the implication that my husband could control the severity of his illness.

I was happy for them but sad for us

Theoretically, I was always happy to hear about people’s survival stories. They gave me hope. And it reminded me that bladder cancer doesn’t kill everyone.

But some days I just couldn’t bear them. Especially as it became clear that my husband likely would not survive. Some of the stories felt like a gut punch.

I see a difference between joy at being alive and “survival bragging”

Many times, and for very good reason, bladder cancer patients rejoice publicly at receiving an “all clear” on a cystoscopy, a CT scan, a PET scan, or whatever surveillance test they have received.

It is entirely appropriate to rejoice in such news and to share it with the world. Most of the time, most of us want to hear those stories. They give us hope and inspire us.

But there is another version of talking about survival that I call “survival bragging.” It goes beyond just celebrating the fact that they are alive and thriving. Survival bragging states or implies that the patient’s survival had to do with their ability to control the situation.

Joy at Being Alive

Example: “I am so grateful that my latest CT scan showed No Evidence of Disease! That’s three years being free of bladder cancer! I thank all my doctors for their help! I think my diet helped, too, but I know how lucky I am and that everyone is not so lucky.”

Survival Bragging

Example: “I’ve now been cancer-free for three years. I know it’s because I fought so hard and prayed so hard and ate an anti-cancer diet. You can do it, too! Keep fighting and stay strong. Never stop fighting, you can win!”

The Survival Brag can come across as really hurtful to a patient who is not recovering. When I read those kinds of statements as my husband declined – despite fighting, praying, and eating well – I felt awful. I felt both angry and like we had failed somehow.

The implication that my husband wasn't trying hard enough

I felt as if those folks were saying that my husband wasn’t doing the right things in the “right” way. Or he wasn’t trying hard enough. I recognize that the Survival Braggers likely had no idea it can come across that way. But it can. And that’s why I’m writing this (to let them know).

The Survival Brag suggests that we all have the ability to make our bladder cancer go away if we simply do the right things. This is not true. Bladder cancer is highly unpredictable. Some people go through every treatment and augment with good practices like healthy food…and they still die within months.

There is no rule. There is no explanation. There is no definitive “do these things and you are guaranteed to get well.” There are no guarantees.

Consider how you frame your survival story

I would just ask survivors to consider how they frame their survival story. It is a story of a successful recovery but it is not a “success story” that you had the power to write and control the ending.