The Guilt of Good Health

When my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 bladder cancer, I was studying abroad. Being so far apart when receiving the news of her diagnosis was definitely a challenging time. Luckily, my mother’s treatments were successful and life slowly returned to a sort of normal. However, during those first few weeks and months, I had an experience I believe many people can relate to. I experienced what I called “the guilt of good health”.

Initial shock after diagnosis

The initial shock from hearing the news that my mom had cancer quickly changed into worry. A worry that the worst might happen. A worry that was all thought consuming. But as a treatment plan was put in place and my mother’s outlook became more positive, the worry slowly started to change into hope and I could think and focus on other things.

Less frequent worrying becomes guilt

Why then, if things are going so well, do I still have this feeling of guilt? In my case, living abroad allowed my life to continue relatively ‘cancer free’. What I mean is, I wasn’t privy to the amount of phone calls, appointments, bad days, post surgery recoveries and everything else happening in my mothers and family’s world. This meant that, after the initial panicked first few weeks, my life returned to normal.

Healthy guilty vs unhealthy guilt

This normality, however, racked me with guilt. Being able to go out for dinner, attend concerts, travel etc. always left me with this nagging question. Why should I be able to enjoy all these things when my mother is so ill, fatigued, and feeling awful from the effects of her treatments that she just can’t do any of these things? And then I learned about healthy and unhealthy guilt.

Healthy guilt is the feeling we get when we offend someone unintentionally. This feeling is pretty pervasive. It’s that twisted feeling in your stomach combined with just a smidgen of shame. Now, I am definitely guilty of being one of those people that have flashbacks to the dumb things they’ve said in meetings 3 years ago. But the unhealthy guilt is something different.

Unhealthy guilt occurs even when we haven’t done anything wrong. Feeling guilty for things we cannot control, such as our good health, really is a waste of time. I knew deep down that my mother wouldn’t want me to be thinking or feeling the way I was. But being able to enjoy life and my good health felt wrong.

Guilt turns to awe

But this guilt, I came to realize, is useless and unnecessary. As my mother’s health slowly got better, I watched as her lust for life became bigger than I’ve ever known. I watched as my mother transformed from an ill cancer patient with a not too good prognosis to a person who grabs life by the balls and takes on every challenge and adventure possible. These adventures included driving a tuktuk across India, taking a 6 month backpacking travel adventure across Asia and many more.

It was through watching my mothers reinvigorated joie de vivre (lust for life) that I started to question my own feelings. Being guilty about something I can’t control is just a huge waste of time. Instead, we must grab every moment, take every opportunity to make memories and do the things we want to. Because, unfortunately, life can be a cruel mistress and good health is something we take all too easily for granted.

Changing the perspective - why feel guilty - everyday is a blessing

Watching my mother through her battle and seeing her complete challenges and tasks I never dreamed she would or could undertake, I’m in awe at her lust for life. And if I look back, feeling guilty for enjoying life while we can, while someone around us is battling this or any other disease, really is a silly thing to do and feel.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this community it is that life should be cherished and every moment should be enjoyed to the max. So shrug off any feelings of guilt for things you can’t control and make the memories that will last a lifetime, because life can be cruel, and we never know when our time might be up.