An Honest Conversation About Bladder Cancer

After hearing my mom’s response to my questions, I decided to answer some of the questions I asked from my perspective. And our situation was not unique. Many people have relatives and loved ones living far away. Maybe someone in a similar situation will be able to relate to my answers to these questions.

What was your biggest fear after I told you I had stage 3 bladder cancer?

To be perfectly honest, it felt so surreal hearing the news that when I think back to the minutes, hours, and days after that phone call all I remember is the frantic online searches. First, it was a search for information on a disease I knew nothing about which did not help in any way at all. Then I searched for flights, ferries, and buses to get home as quickly as I could.

Yet after those first few frantic days, and after I had decided to stay in the Netherlands, my biggest fear became the recurring thought of what if this was the wrong decision. What if I regret staying instead of coming home to be there to support you? Basically, what if you didn't beat cancer and I chose not to be there? That was my biggest fear.

What were your biggest concerns when you heard the news?

Pretty much what I just said. Obviously, there were concerns for you, Dad, and Steve (my brother who was living in the UK at that time). I felt like I had been given an unfair advantage by not being there for the day-to-day when Dad and Steve were looking after you following surgeries, chemo treatments, radiation, and everything else that you went through. I was concerned about being resented for not being there when everyone else’s lives had changed drastically by your diagnosis.

Was there anything I could have done to make breaking the news easier?

We’ve spoken about this before and I really wish you had told me sooner. I now understand how hard it was for you to break the news. And in some way, I have no right to want or wish that you had told me sooner. It was your diagnosis. You get to choose how you share that. But I did feel like you were hiding things from me to make it easier on me.

What could we have done to better support you?

You did everything possible. You made it easier to decide to stay abroad and continue my studies. Not every parent would have done this. Even when you were feeling your worst, you were still supporting me in every way possible.

Were you annoyed, frustrated, or upset that you couldn’t be there during this time due to studying abroad?

Of course! The one thing I wanted was to be there. Homesickness can be difficult enough to deal with when trying to start a new life in a new country. But knowing that you were going through so much and I wasn’t there for any of it. That was something that continued to haunt me until you got the all-clear.

Looking back over the whole cancer journey, is there anything you would have done differently?

I wish I had made more effort to come home more frequently. Maybe by staying in the Netherlands, I could pretend that everything was ok. Coming home and actually being confronted by your weakened state. That was tough. So yeah, I suppose I insulated myself a little and kept the visits to a minimum because I still had that recurring thought of what if this was the wrong decision. Because every time I saw you and saw how much energy it took you to try to put on a brave face for me, the reality was staring back.

You were fighting cancer, and during those first 6 months to a year or so, it was a real battle. And we didn't know who was gonna win. That was something I couldn't stomach or think about.

Looking back again, is there anything you wish I had done differently?

If you had asked me this during those first few months, or even a couple of years after your diagnosis, I would have said yes. But now that I have more perspective on what bladder cancer is, the mental aspects of this disease, and how emotionally draining it can be, my answer is no. There is no playbook or cheat sheet for dealing with bladder cancer. This happened to you. I was only a bystander. You get to decide what treatments you choose, or when and how you break the news to those around you. You did everything in a way that you felt was right at that moment in time.