Stolen Valor: Feeling Like a Cancer Impostor
Stolen valor is the term for some nimrod who has never served his country and puts on a costume of a military nature with phony ribbons and citations. I use a similar definition when it comes to my bladder cancer experience.
The cancer I had was bad! It was aggressive and would not respond to chemo or radiation. The best treatment for this type of cancer was quick and aggressive surgery. Chemo and radiation just weren't even an option. My doctor wasn't willing to subject me to the side effects on such slim (non-existent) hope of anything positive happening. But because of financial issues, I delayed treatment for almost 3 months. Even though I knew I was in trouble, I couldn't afford it at the time, so I delayed treatment.
I knew my situation was urgent
I eventually had surgery 3 months after I began pissing blood in the hope it hadn't spread beyond my bladder. My doctors tried so very hard to keep up a positive attitude, but I could see it in their eyes.
The desperation my urologist had getting me into the first operating room he could find was a clue to his concern. He contacted every hospital in Shreveport to see the first OR available. I got calls from 4 of them.
My healthcare team fought for me
I knew my doctors didn't think much of my chances. But they weren't willing to give up. Holy cow! What incredible people!
The statistics might notate me as a lost cause, but these incredible people weren't ready to give up on me. They wanted to fight on. I praise God they did. You would not be reading this post otherwise.
My weak bladder had always been an inconvenience
So, I had surgery. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't chemo and radiation for years, either. After 6 weeks, I was able to return to work, albeit with some modifications. From 6 years on, I'm almost a regular human.
Heck, I'm even better than I was in some ways. My weak bladder had always caused me to be the omega male who had to ask for a bathroom break on business road trips. I was the guy desperate for an aisle seat at the theater because I'd need to empty my weak bladder just at the film's climax.
Now, heck, I'll take in a double feature in the center aisle. Now, let the lesser males beg for a road stop.
My daughter's experience showed me a darker side of cancer
It was cancer! It was scary! It almost killed me. But I haven't suffered a 10th of the horrors most cancer patients suffer. My daughter would face breast cancer a few years later, and I'd, unfortunately, get to see some of the darker elements I'd been spared in my all-or-nothing experience. She faced it with such grace that I feel almost like some imposter claiming to be a cancer patient.
I don't feel worthy of calling myself a cancer survivor
I can only speak to those in the early stages, where the experience might not be so bad - even if it's a bad cancer. I don't feel I'm worthy of standing with such giants of cancer survival as my daughter. I bless you, strong people who have faced the worst of it. Even more, those of you who have helped somebody through the worst of the end of it.
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