Making the Most of Visits When You Live Far Away

Living in another country during my mother’s cancer journey brought myriad obstacles and issues I never expected. From learning how to "be there" when I couldn’t physically be there to mastering the art of a phone call, each new scenario brought its own challenges that we needed to overcome.

One challenge I didn’t see coming was caused by my underestimation or my naivety of the reality of living with bladder cancer. During the first few months of my mom’s cancer journey, I had kept in regular contact with my family, but I had not been there to see the reality of my mother’s condition. I really thought that if I got home, we’d be able to enjoy our time together and do some of the things we used to do. I’ll be able to take Mom out for lunch, spend a day shopping, or visit a spa for facials and massages.

This was a severe misconception. And, just like everything else I had to learn during my mother’s cancer journey, I had to learn how to make the most of my visits. This was to make sure that the time spent together was enjoyable for everyone. I had to drop all the ideas I had for things to do and assess the new reality of what was possible for my mom in her highly weakened state. Here’s what I learned:

Understanding the new situation

If, like me, you’ve been living far away, then you will have heard what's happened and received updates on care plans and other medical information. But one thing I hadn’t experienced was the day-to-day reality of living with and overcoming bladder cancer. This, to be perfectly honest, came as a shock, especially because my mom had obviously been putting on a brave face when communicating via phone or video call.

Being mindful of your loved one’s energy levels

The new normal for someone living with cancer is definitely different than before. Medication, treatments, chemo, or surgery all have their own unique side effects. This is something that needs to be understood to really make the most of a trip. I learned that if a chemo session was planned, then the following days were written off because my mom would be too ill and weak to get out of bed, let alone manage a trip to a restaurant or spa.

Plan low energy/high enjoyment short activities

It can be mildly frustrating to not be able to do the things you used to do. For Mom and me, this was usually a day of shopping, maybe a facial, lunch somewhere, and then a few cocktails. To consider planning such a full day’s activities on my first visit following her bladder cancer diagnosis would have been impossible. My mom’s energy levels and her stamina were completely wiped out. What she needed was short activities that didn't require much energy. In the beginning, it was difficult to align myself with this new normal. But because I wanted to make the most of my visit, this was something that needed to be done.

Align and melt into the situation

The pressure of wanting to do something will be difficult for a loved one living with cancer. Of course, they want to be able to do everything they did before, but right now, that may not be possible. Therefore, don't be annoyed if reservations have to be canceled or a bad day makes everything impossible. The visit doesn’t have to include activities. The visit may be just laying next to them watching trash TV and gorging on junk food if that is what the situation allows.

Remember why you’re there

Remembering that I was there to visit Mom, to provide a breath of fresh air to her day and not for a full schedule of fun activities, as usual, was a shift in how my visits home changed following my Mom’s diagnosis. Being mindful of what was possible depending on Mom’s energy levels and how she was feeling was of utmost importance.

Every person’s cancer journey will be different. Each person has a different approach from their medical team depending on their prognosis. But being mindful of the effects of their diagnosis and treatments will make visiting loved ones more fun for everyone. If you can do the things you used to, then go ahead and enjoy them together. If not, don't be disappointed. Life is short, and it's really the time that we spend together which is important, whether that’s spoiling ourselves in the spa or sitting next to them in bed watching awful reality TV. Being there is most important.