Bladder Cancer, Masculinity, and Driving in the Snow

Driving in inclement weather is a challenge for anyone. You can never be sure of what is ahead of you. You are never fully in control. Often times it would be best to pull over and wait out the storm, but that is not always an option. You check the forecast, access the road conditions, and decide to park it or push it, and you deal with the consequences.

A test of "toughness"

For professional drivers, this becomes a badge of honor. A challenge, a thrown down gauntlet. A sign of how tough or capable you are. Will you drive or will you “tap out” (quit, give up)? This mentality pushes us to make decisions based on some twisted code of manhood rather than on sound judgment. Instead of looking at the reality of our situation and making informed decisions, we make decisions based on how they will be perceived.

Driving on a sheet of ice

So it was that I found myself driving on a solid sheet of ice. The road was slightly banked to the right and curved to the right. In my right mirror, I could see my tanker starting to slide. I turned my steering wheel to the left and accelerated gently. Just enough to keep moving forward and uphill, hoping I would get out of the curve and find traction before I slid my whole truck and trailer into the ditch.

Risking safety for my reputation

In all of this, my most pressing thought was how I had driven when others had parked and how that would move me up in the eyes of my peers. I had “manned up” and kept going. You may read this and think me a fool. Fair enough. But I made the run and did not wreck…and risked my safety and the safety of others just to fend off appearing weak or soft.

I never wanted to appear weak

I was raised to make choices based on perception rather than intelligence. Boys stand in front of each other and take turns throwing a knife at each others' feet. The goal is to get so close that your opponent will move his foot to avoid getting stabbed. When he does, he is called all manner of emasculating names. I bled and I ruined several pairs of canvas sneakers, but I did not move. No matter how hard I was punched in the arm I would not rub it, another clear sign of being weak.

I went to work the day after bladder cancer surgery

I clean cuts with carburetor cleaner and bind wounds with greasy rags and electrical tape. In short, I don’t tap out; I don’t quit. I had a tumor removed from my bladder and went to work as if nothing happened.

A harmful mentality

I hope you read this and see how self-harming this mentality is. I hope that if you see yourself in this, you see how crazy this mentality is. Cancer is not some proving ground for manhood. Cancer is a physical disease that will require smart choices and for many of us, a total reassessment of how we care for ourselves.

You have nothing to prove

Ask yourself if the choices you are making are driven by a desire to maintain appearance. If they are, ask yourself what choices you would make if your focus was on what was truly best for you and your situation. Sometimes the best choice is to pull over and take a break until the storm clears. You have nothing to prove in cancer. Allow yourself to choose better.