I Was the Most Positive Person I Knew Until...

I can’t speak for anybody else, but I am the most positive person I know. I’m not one of those people who must analyze whether their glass is half full, or even worse, impart this information onto others. I’ve just never allowed things that happen in my life to get me down. That said, this statement of fact has been truly tested over the last few years.

I was always focused on staying positive

I know plenty of people have walked the cancer road with many different outcomes and some amazing tales, which I don’t personally need to take inspiration from because I was always intent on staying positive with my own cancer journey and never allowing it to get me down. However, it’s coming up to 3 years since my diagnosis, and I’ve just completed my fourth TURBT. The latest recurrence left me completely flummoxed.

Seeing new tumors on the screen

I had gone, for the first time, through 2 scope visits without any recurrence, and I thought I was getting on top of my cancer. Prior to this, I had changed plenty of things in my training regime, like eating habits and introducing some alternative options, which I believed had made a difference. So, looking up from my position at the monitor and seeing not one, but two tumors, did send me completely over the edge. For the first time, I think in my life I had lost all hope.

Positivity had left the building

I never cried when I was first diagnosed with cancer and treated it like all other challenges in life and so had no fear. This time around, I was in floods of tears and knew this cancer was going to beat me. I was unable to speak with my wife who was and has always been present at every scope or TURBT, and I couldn’t care less what positive spin the doctor was trying to put on things. Positivity had truly left the building, and this was now a strange feeling for me. I was a complete wreck and wanted to find a place where I could sit with myself and wallow in self-pity, which is a trait I detest most, but was searching hard for it. My wife thankfully insisted that we find a coffee shop and talk this through, which I eventually agreed to do.

I was in a daze

We drove for about 15 minutes in complete silence until we came to a carpark. I was still in a daze, with my thoughts rolling around uncontrollably in my head. My wife asked if I would purchase the parking ticket required, and so I left the car and waited behind a gentleman, who I took no notice of, but subconsciously noticed he was wearing all black. The ticket machine became free, and I began to purchase the ticket required, which took a while because I couldn’t keep focus. Once I had stepped back from the machine, I noticed I had kicked something on the floor and looked down to see that it was a man’s wallet.

I was determined to do something good

The first thing that went through my tortured brain was that life isn’t all bad, as I could see wads of money sticking out from its fold. I then went and showed this find to my wife and explained how I had come about the wallet. My wife inspected the contents and found a large amount of money, credit cards, and a photo ID. I was determined to do some good with this lost property and remembered the figure in black standing at the ticket machine. I walked out from the carpark and could see far in the distance a person that looked to be dressed in black. I then asked my wife for the name on the ID and shouted this name out a couple of times very loud, but the figure in the distance did not turn.

I was compelled to do more

As there was no one else around fitting that description, my wife conceded that we hand the wallet into the police. I’m not sure why, but I was compelled to do more and said that I would run after the figure in black to double-check and left my wife with the wallet and took off after him. I caught up with this man as he was entering the train station and called out his name. He turned around to my direction on hearing his name, and to my amazement, the man in black was a priest. He was in complete shock at learning that he had dropped and lost his wallet and was praising the effort I had put into finding him. My wife who had now joined us with the wallet took no time in blurting out that I had just received some very bad news with my cancer. The priest listened and offered a blessing and stated that he would be praying for me.

Receiving his blessing turned everything around

Now, this may sound like some movie plot, but knowing that I had just gone through some very disappointing news, which was not being dealt with very well by the most positive man I know (i.e., myself), to then find a wallet of a priest and receive his blessing, did turn everything back around.

Positive thoughts and actions

I’m not a religious man and this encounter didn’t change that. I am a man who believes that if you think positive things and carry out positive actions, then positivity will follow you. I am a complete advocate for living your life in this way, and I’ve gone into this battle with my cancer with this in mind, come what may. I lost sight of this for a brief moment and was quickly brought back to my reality. I’m always been better off when I’ve taken the positives out of any bad situation, and I have seen and lived with the benefits of this attitude. My world for at least an hour after receiving the news was an awful place of torment and doubt. I dread to think what it would be like living in that place for any longer.

Faith

Other people that go through what we experience as cancer survivors may have faith in a God or some form of religion to help then get through. For those of us, like me, who do not have this, we must, in my opinion, have at least the higher power of positivity to get you through the tough times. Maybe the priest was a sign to tell me that it was okay to be sad but not too sad and not for too long because that was not going to improve my situation. I will leave the priest encounter and what this meant up to others to have a view or make comment on.

I refuse to give up my positivity

All I know is that the dark place I was drawn into was no place to live, and the positive action taken when finding the wallet produced a positive result. The moral of this story, even for someone as positive as me, is that no matter how well your recovery is going, always prepare yourself for the worst-case scenario. Cancer is cruel and can take everything and more away from us. If that is to happen to me, then I refuse to give it my positivity and will keep this for myself, right to the end.