The Emotional Side of Death

I want to talk about “Death.”

Terminal bladder cancer and dying

It is one of those subjects that we don’t often think about until it’s too late or until we are diagnosed with a life-limiting illness. Death is a certainty, and this will happen to us all at some point, hopefully after living a long, fruitful life. But for others, their lives will be cut short, and it is a HUGE thing to face your own mortality: having to have the courage to make decisions about your healthcare, finances, and how YOU want your last days to be, not forgetting about trying to get your head around it emotionally.

How do you come to terms with the idea of dying?

I firstly want to talk about the emotional side of “knowing that you die.” How do you feel? I was in disbelief. How do you come to terms with the fact that you will die? I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to deal with this. There were, and still are at times, lots of tears, lots of complete meltdowns.

We may first go into shock and denial. Surely, this cannot be happening to us. Over time, you think about it, your heart sinks and aches, and the pain becomes too much to bear. You tend to concentrate on what you will be leaving behind: your loved ones, your wife, husband, partner, and your children. You wonder what life will be like for them without you. You worry about life events that haven’t happened yet.

I thought about all the things that I would miss

For me, I wanted to see my son happy and settled. I thought about all the things that I would miss. Him getting married, growing older and wiser. He is my only son, and we are so close; I couldn’t bear the thought of not being there for him when he needed me. After all, it has always been me and him. My heart felt like it was breaking. Who else would know what to do when he needs help? When he needs his Mumma? How will he get through life without a Mumma hug? How will he cope with life?

It didn't seem fair

Not to forget my husband. It just didn’t seem fair. We had finally both got our “happy ending," and now it was going to be taken away from us. How will he cope? What will he do? I don’t want him to be on his own. He deserves someone lovely to look after him and spend the rest of his days with - it just really sucks that it won’t be me? Whenever I tried to mention that life WOULD go on, he would shut me down. But I don’t want him to alone. I don’t want our home to become a shrine. I want him to live and find someone else that he can love (although they aren’t allowed to be as fabulous as I, nor thinner - hahahaha).

All these thoughts that go through your mind can become so consuming and overwhelming. One minute you are doing okay, and the next you are a complete, sobbing mess.

I was angry at myself

You then go through a stage of pain, anger, and bargaining. I became angry at myself. How could I have smoked for so long and not taken care of myself? I did this to myself, it's my fault. It's my fault because I drank heavily and smoked at times in my life. My diet and lifestyle were appalling. And yet, I knew all of this. I knew what I had to do to be healthy and fit before I was diagnosed with terminal bladder cancer, and I still carried on. We just don’t think it will happen to us. We never think about the consequences of our actions.

I remember one day I was standing at one side of a pond and screaming and screaming until my voice became hoarse. I was so angry, angry at myself and also angry at others who weren’t looking after themselves or making the most of their lives. Feeling sorry for myself, feeling deflated and utterly despondent.

Depression, reflection, and loneliness

The next stage is depression, reflection, and sometimes loneliness. You feel down, you feel that there is no point in carrying on as you are going to die anyway, so why wait 'til then? You think about every major event in your life, you carry guilt and are ashamed of some of the things you have done. You try to talk to those around you, but they just don’t understand. They try to, but how can they? They aren’t in your position. Luckily for me, the anger disappeared quickly and you “come to terms" with what’s happening to you.

You try to talk to friends and family about how you feel, but you don’t want to speak to those close to you for the fear of burdening them with your emotions. I tried for the first year not to be angry or argue with anyone. I wanted to leave them with happy, nice memories. This isn’t attainable. This is so hard to do, and you finally break.

Turning a corner

You then turn a corner. You become grateful, and you work through all the feelings you have. I found counseling to be a great way to talk about how I felt. I was, and still am, able to be open and honest about my feelings without worrying that I was/am transferring/off-loading guilt, pain, and anguish onto a family member or friend. You review your life, you think about the here and now and realize that you have to make something of yourself. You have to find a way of living with dying. The final stage is acceptance!

It may seem funny to you that you have to ‘accept death,’ but you do. You come to terms with the fact that one day you won’t be here, and you start to live for the here and now. It's always in the back of your mind, but you have to learn to live with it, otherwise, you will drive yourself mad.

Hope keeps me going

For many people in this situation, they become health advocates and writers. This helps us to accept what is happening to us, and acceptance is crucial in being able to continue living. You feel at peace with it all. You accept that you are going to die. Please don’t misunderstand me: I don’t want to die. I just know that there is an incredibly high chance that this small cell cancer will be back in the bones and liver, and it will kill me, so now I try to make the most of my days.

I have bad times, just like everyone else, but life is all about changes, and life is always changing, and one thing that keeps me going is that there is ALWAYS hope.