Thoughts Before My First 6-Month PET Scan

I find myself in an entirely new situation. So far during this "journey," I have been having scans every 3 months, and this is the first time we have left it for a 6 month period. How am I feeling?

If I am honest...I am not sure. I think I am okay. The hubby tried to speak to me about what would happen if we get bad results next week as the following day after my scan he is going skiing with his dad for a week. I brushed it aside and told him to "Shhhh."

Coming to terms with the upcoming scan

I then realized that he wasn't going to drop it, and I was going to have to listen and answer him with a grown-up answer. But what did he want me to say? That I will fall apart? That I won't be able to cope? And that's when I realized that he didn't want to go skiing with his dad if I was upset.

I told him that we are probably wasting our breath speaking about it as it is bound to be another NED scan. I told him that he had to go with his dad; this could be one of the last times, and I love that they get to bond and make up for the years that they have missed.

Fearing the worst but hoping for the best

And seriously? Me, fall apart? Not cope? Whatever this scan brings, I know I can deal with it. Like I have already said, it will all be fine. So, why am I even writing about it? Is there a little bit inside me that thinks I have pushed my luck for long enough and maybe my luck is about to run out? Even my oncologist has no idea why my cancer hasn't returned, so if he doesn't know, who does?

The worst-case scenario is that the cancer is back, and if it is, I know that my oncologist has a plan to deal with it. I also know that no amount of wishing, begging, or pleading with anyone or anything will change the results.

Holding our breath for the results

Maybe it would be a relief. I know that that sounds very odd, but it's like we are all holding our breath 'til we know the results and then, when we know, we can breathe again. Regardless of the result. We have to breathe again; otherwise, isn't this a wasted life?

A relief for the cancer to be back, what a funny thing to say! I guess by that I mean that the anxiety of it returning would be gone. I wouldn't have this sword of Damocles hanging over me. And I would know where I stand in the "Anita v. Cancer" fight. I would have answers.

That's hard, isn't it? When no one has any answers for you.

A week to myself

Back to the hubby going skiing. Oh, I can't wait, a whole week of having the bed to myself. Eating what I want when I want to, including super noodles and crunchy nut cornflakes for dinner. Not being kept awake at night with his snoring and lying there, gently nudging him (honest).

Spending time with family

It has been nice to step back from the cancer rollercoaster. It has been a break. It has given me time to spend with my mum and my family. To be present in life. To cherish the moment Jackson (my 9-month-old grandson) first put his hands up to me, signaling that he wanted me. These are precious times in my life right now, and although I sound miserable, I'm not really. I'm enjoying the good days and dissing the rubbish days.