Self Destruction

Newport cigarettes are killing me. I know this for a fact; I have been battling bladder cancer. And yet, I still smoke like there is no tomorrow - knowing it can cost me my life. It is on my mind every single day. I throw them away, then go buy a new pack within three hours.

Addicted to smoking cigarettes

Sometimes I take a pack with me when delivering mail, this takes no more than four hours. I will stop at the store two hours into my work to buy a pack and they are not cheap, nearly ten dollars for a single pack. So now I have two packs when I go home after work. I am slowly killing myself and I cannot seem to stop.

I knew what smoking cigarettes would do

Twenty years of smoking has aged me much faster than the normal rate. I remember working at a clinic and there was a brochure about taking care of yourself. It said if you smoke you will age faster, yet seventeen years later I'm complaining about looking old. That brochure was just one example of life speaking to me and I did not listen. I have a horrible memory always have, but the information from the brochure is clear as a bell.

Bladder cancer caused by smoking

The bladder cancer was caused by smoking cigarettes- I'm sure of this. So, knowing this bit of information you would think the said person would stop (lol). My head is so hard. Of course, that is why the cancer keeps coming back. The stakes are high and so are the costs, it could cost me my bladder or my life.

Right now, I give to you my inner struggles. The last time I stopped smoking was in October 2020. By February 2021 I was back at it and all the things that go with it. Drinking and gambling go with a cigarette, which are habits that take no favors in this cancer journey.

I love being smoke-free

The kicker is I love when I am smoke-free it feels wonderful. Breathing gets better I can smell things from a mile away. Being able to smell the roses is everything to me when I stop smoking. Smelling good and buying perfume and lotions becomes a passion when I'm smoke-free. The aroma of delicious food cooking and using less salt to taste the food is also a plus.

I feel hopeful about my cancer when I stop feeding it with cigarettes. There is a chance I can beat bladder cancer if avoid cigarettes. But I need WILLPOWER! It seems like I don't have much of it though.

Family keeps me motivated

I have three wonderful children that I love to death. My daughters make me proud because of all they have been able to accomplish already at such a young age - a college student and a homeowner. As a parent, this is more than I can ask for. My son is fifteen, and he needs me most of all. He is still so young and vulnerable. I want to see him grow into the man God wants him to be. I want to see all the lessons we, as a family, have instilled in him.

My five-month-old grandson is a miracle from heaven. Time spent with Xander is precious and I crave more of it all the time. Then there is my influential, spiritual mother; I love her and I need more time to get to know her better. My brothers and their families are a big piece of my life. Last but not least, there is the soon-to-be ex-husband that I love and is still my best friend.

I want to quit smoking

This shortlist is the people I live for, and myself of course. I pray I will drop the cancer sticks! Tell us about your experience in the comments below, or share your story with the community.