Invisible Is Not Invalid

Bladder cancer is “invisible.” For many of us, there are no outward signs of our disease. There are exceptions, and while some of us present as terribly ill, many of us have an internal disease that doesn’t show.

The deceptive nature of early symptoms

From the beginning, my only symptom was bloody urine. It started as a light pink, and the ER attending credited it to possible dehydration. Being well-hydrated relieved the symptoms, and I showed no evidence of disease. I do not recall the exact time span, but it wasn’t long before the symptom recurred. This time my urine was bright red and there was clotting. A visit to my primary physician got me a referral to the urologist.

The struggle with an invisible diagnosis

The urologist uttered those three little words that have altered all of our worlds: “You have cancer” - and so it began. The problem was I couldn’t see it. Nobody could see it. Unless I told people, there was nothing to say, “I have cancer.” The anxiety, the depression, the constant fear—all of these things came out of nowhere and made no sense because I had no evidence of disease.

Battling the need to justify my pain

To the outside world, the changes in me were out of left field. I struggle to feel as though my illness is valid enough to affect me. On the days when I am quiet and withdrawn, those close to me know, but to others, I am sure I appear moody. I am often left trying to justify myself to myself.

The double-standard of judgment

The craziest part is that I would never dream of asking someone else to justify their needs. The people I know who have and who are fighting this disease, or any disease for that matter, need understanding and kindness and grace. Yet, I feel I need to pull up my bootstraps and get over it. The oddity of my attitude never fails to baffle me. I have nothing but respect and admiration for others who are taking the best care of themselves, but I very often feel weak and feeble for my own struggling.

Why are we so hard on ourselves?

Writing this and proofreading it makes me cringe. Why would I or anyone speak harshly to themselves over something they are so understanding of in others? If you are guilty of this, ask yourself, “How would I speak to someone else?” If there is a difference in how we speak to ourselves, why? Why are we willing to be soft and nurturing outwardly and judgmental inwardly?

Validation doesn't require visibility

The fact that this cancer is invisible does not make it invalid! Our struggles do not need to be seen to be real. We do not have to “prove” our illness to anyone…including ourselves. Show yourself the kindness you would show someone you met who was surviving. Extend grace to yourself in equal measure to that which you would show a loved one.

Permission to cope and feel

In as much as I am able, I give you permission to have needs and fears. I give you permission to your individual method of coping and experiencing this challenge. I send you invisible validation in equal measure to your invisible cancer. I also receive the same for myself.

May this be a holiday gift worthy of your amazing life. My very best wishes to all who might read this. A warm hug and kind regards I send to all.